I’ve had some interesting experiences lately with my mentee that have reinforced two core principles that under gird the work we do at Hand in Hand.
1) We don’t support the problem; we support the solution.
Many times, our mentee’s problems are so numerous we don’t know where to begin. Our conscience wants to help them pay their rent this month, or to assist with childcare, or help cover a car repair. These things may seem helpful in the moment, and they certainly ease our conscience, but ironically, these reactions may also just be supporting the problem.
Let’s say the real problem is an addiction. No amount of babysitting or rent payments will ever solve that problem.To really have meaningful change, people will need to acknowledge the addiction, realize its negative impact, and desire to work to make the changes that will allow them to have a different kind of life. Or perhaps the real problem is lack of budgeting and financial accountability, or perhaps the person has no job skills. If these are the issues, helping them pay their monthly bills actually undermines their long-term independence and prosperity, and keeps them from making the changes that would secure a better future for themselves.
An old Icelandic proverb says that, “A wise man changes his mind, a fool never will.” Wise people are always focused on changing, becoming better, identifying root causes of their problems, and working at solving them so that change can happen and life can be better. Having mentors who see that, and help direct mentees toward that end, is infinitely more valuable than helping them pay a one-time bill.
The second principle is:
2) We are not personally the solution.
My mentee recently started making healthy, supportive, connections with others in the community around her. I have always encouraged her to do that, often attending events to introduce her to other sources of friendship and support. But many times, she was hesitant, not feeling worthy of belonging to a community of good people because of her situation and choices.She recently overcame a big hurdle in her life and I texted her congratulating her and telling her how amazing she is. This was her reply:
“Aw, I don’t know about amazing but I’m sure striving. I just keep trying and I’m at peace and proud of myself and my simple life. I still have work to do. It’s all been a long time coming and I couldn’t have done it without…”
And then she went on to list her faith in God and a few key people who have given her a vision of a different kind of life that was possible for her, and who supported and encouraged her in moving toward it.
It took some time, but THAT was a rewarding text to receive! I rejoiced in her new-found confidence, connections, and the resulting sense of achievement and peace that came through making needed changes in her life.
This truly is the mission of Hand in Hand– walking alongside people as they come to realize their intrinsic worth, their capabilities, and their unique potential to contribute and to make their lives and the world a better place.