November Mentor Message
When I think of the word empathy, I picture people with a natural ability to understand and connect with others—those who are good listeners, show compassion, and offer support. These are wonderful qualities, and having such an ability can truly be a gift. But is empathy always a good thing? Can it, at times, be counterproductive or even harmful to those we are trying to help?
For years, I suffered from chronic urinary tract infections (UTIs). After visiting my doctor repeatedly with the same symptoms, he eventually began prescribing antibiotics for me without even needing to see me. He knew exactly what was wrong based on my recurring symptoms, and I thought I had the best doctor in the world. He made it so easy for me to get the medication I needed to resolve my pain and discomfort. At the time, I felt immense gratitude to have such an empathetic doctor who was always ready to help.
However, over time, those antibiotics stopped being effective. They no longer cleared up the infection. What I initially saw as a simple solution—taking a pill to fix my symptoms—was actually creating more complications. The antibiotics had become ineffective, and I began to realize that I had been procrastinating the real issue—understanding the underlying cause of my condition.
I decided to take matters into my own hands. I began to study, pray, and seek advice from others. Over time, I learned that my condition was dietary-related, not just an ongoing infection. By eliminating certain foods from my diet and making long-term changes, my health improved. I realized that for years, I had been relying on a quick fix rather than addressing the root cause. The solution wasn’t in a pill that masked the symptoms, but in making changes from within.
After 10 years of being chronically ill, I’ve been free of UTIs for years. But I also realized that my doctor, though well-meaning, had inadvertently enabled my procrastination. By not helping me explore the deeper causes of my illness, he had removed the natural consequences of my choices. I wasn’t forced to change my habits because the symptoms were temporarily relieved by antibiotics. But eventually, the consequences caught up with me. Once I addressed the real issue—my diet—I experienced long-term relief.
This experience taught me a critical lesson about the power and potential danger of empathy. As mentors, it’s important to show compassion and concern, but we must be careful not to let our empathy take the place of what’s truly needed. We shouldn’t let our desire to ease someone’s immediate discomfort cloud our judgment or prevent them from facing the long-term challenges they need to address.
Healthy support involves guidance, encouragement, and helping someone discover the tools they need to solve their own problems. We shouldn’t do the work for them, or make the consequences disappear. Just as touching a hot stove teaches us the importance of cause and effect, feeling the natural consequences of one’s choices is instructive. It helps us learn that, if we want to avoid certain outcomes, we must stop making certain choices.
As mentors, our job isn’t to solve every problem, but to help others develop the skills, resilience, and character to handle challenges on their own. Growth and maturity come when people take responsibility for their actions and learn from their mistakes. By giving them space and encouraging them to take ownership of their challenges, we help them become stronger and more self-sufficient.
In the end, our role as mentors is to assist—not to do everything for the person. Until someone is actively engaged in the process, putting in the effort and making the necessary sacrifices, they will remain in a passive position, always relying on others. We must not enable this passivity. Instead, we need to empower people to rise to their full potential, to tap into the capacity that is already within them.